It's just a few more hours until my vacation time starts.
Even though we can't make it to Dragon*Con {cries} this year, I am still looking forward to my time off.

We might even go to an Imax to see the new Star Trek (it's being re-released to Imax again!)

What else should I do for my vacation time?
It has to be cheeeeeeeep.




Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com

I am hungry...
All I can think about is last night's dinner... savory waffles with fried chicken breast.

YUM.

The waffles were made with potatoes and roasted red peppers.

guh.

What am I going to have for lunch today? (lunch isn't till 3)




Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com

I'm sitting in Hubby's car listening to music.
Actually, the listening is happening because I am waiting for him to come back down the hill from his folks house.
He was just going up there to deliver the mail.
He has been up there for at least 10 minutes.
sigh.

I *really* want some Chik-fil-A diet lemonade.

Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com

What a difference 24 hours can make.

I am sooo much better today. Not perfect - but better.
I can still feel the despair grabbing at my feet, but it isn't swollowing me whole.

At least not for the moment.
{kicks at despair}




Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com

I'm feeling a bit better tonight.
Jamie and I met at Home Depot on my way home (he needed some caulk) then we had a dose of grease (Waffle house) - then walked around Wal mart for about an hour.

I think the walking around and the chit-chat helped my brain calm down a bit.

Oh - and I bought some yarn and needles (for plastic canvas). I have a small project in mind. It's one of those things I have been trying to keep my mind occupied with instead of letting it sit and suffocate in the dismay of depression.

Also - I hope I'll have more peaceful sleep tonight. Last night's dreams were not conducive to rest.

I'm sitting here on break at work... nothing surprises me. All of the discussions already seem familiar. Old.

The only thing that hasn't seemed redundant have been my dreams. And those are constructs of my deranged mind.
And voilent.
And painful.

Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com

How do I know that the world around me - everything I see, hear, feel, etc isn't just some construct of my mind?
Is there a way to prove that?



Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com

I did manage to sleep last night.
Strange violent dreams kept me from any real rest though.

And my head is still not a pleasant place to be.

I'm lying here in bed... with my CPAP on - but I can't fall asleep.
My mind is whorling.
Bits of it are crumbling and blowing away.
All images and sounds. Darkness and light.

And isolation.

Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com

Cramps suck.

http://honestybox.com/dubbage42

Somebody please transcribe my voice post. The auto-transcription totally gets it wrong - and I can't listen to it and fix it!

Rules: Don't take too long to think about it. Fifteen movies you've seen that will always stick with you. First fifteen you can recall in no more than fifteen minutes. Tag fifteen friends, including me because I'm interested in seeing what movies my friends choose. (To do this, go to your Notes tab on your profile page, paste rules in a new note, cast your fifteen picks, and tag people in the note -- upper right hand side.) I hope you participate, even if you didn't get tagged!

1. The Breakfast Club
2. Rocky Horror Picture Show
3. Sixteen Candles
4. Ferris Beuler's Day off
5. Momento
6. Dawn of the Dead (the original)
7. Back to the Future
8. Christine
9. Carrie
10. Nightmare on Elm Street (the original)
11. Smokey and the Bandit (the original)
12. Terminator (the original)
13. Total Recall
14. Monty Python and the Holy Grail
15. The Shining


(I ganked this from my Facebook page. Not tagging here - but I would love if you did this!)

http://honestybox.com/dubbage42

This is a FaceBook app - go there. Often.

:D


deb

Happy Birthday to my wonderful hubby Jamie ( wahmuk ).


I love you more than you probably realize.

:)

Love,

Your Rah-rah.

Ganked from moropus

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, (even if we don't speak often or ever) please post a comment with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL memory of you and me.

It can be anything you want - good or bad - BUT IT HAS TO BE FAKE.

When you're finished, post this little paragraph in your LJ and see what your friends come up with.

Livvy came home with us yesterday. And hopefully won't have to go back to the vets for this issue.

She still has the IV stint in her "arm" - Jamie is giving her little bits of saline (until it is gone) over the next couple of days.
She has 2 medicines (liquid form) for about 2 weeks - then just one of those medicines for about 2 months.

Fun thing about that med... it is only good for about 10 days - has to be kept in the fridge - and is $34 for 10 days.
Yes. Livvy's meds cost more than mine.

Oh - and right now both kitties are eating a special "urinary health" formula from the vets office. It is made by Purina - odd thing though - the food that may have helped bring this bout of blockage on is also a Purina product. Purina Indoor formula.

Vets office said they had a cat in with the same exact problem 2 days earlier who eats that same food. She is contacting Purina about it.

As for the hermaphrodite/inter-sexed thing... Livvy apparently does not have a uterus, ovaries, or testes. She does, however, have a penis *and* a vaginal opening.
We didn't know!
She was fully grown when she showed up at our door years ago. The back end *looks* female - so we are going to keep using the female pronouns with her.
Hell, she doesn't care!

I'm headed to work today... The only other person at work who understands our worry over our kitties (and why we are going to foot almost $700 in vet bills for this problem) is a woman who also does not have kids. (She would have loved to have them - just isn't able to). She has a horse and has *way* more expenses keeping him happy and healthy!
Everyone else at work says "It's just a cat!"

Fuck 'em. They are family. Always have been Always will be.

I'm worried about my kitty.

( behind a cut for kitty pics )

This one is taken from my blog posts. Or so it says.


( What I've been journaling about )

This one is taken from my profile page...

( cut for image size )

Some days I think there is something really seriously wrong in my head.
I sit at work and zone out - stare out into space for minutes at a time.
When I'm not zoned out - my head does this internal dialogue thing... a weird spiral of discordant thoughts. ***

Thoughts about work. And how I have managed/will manage to fuck things up.
Thoughts about relationships. And how I have managed/will manage to fuck things up.
Thoughts about finances. And how I have managed/will mange to fuck things up.
Thoughts about suicide. And how I would manage to fuck things up.

Oh yes. That last one rolls around in my head a lot.
Anyone who knows me knows that I have a quick mind. Sometimes this is a disadvantage. It's a disadvantage because I can come up with all kinds of clever and quick ways to off myself (or someone else).

Ya know why I don't?

2 reasons.

1 - the 2 awesome men in my life and their love for me.

2 - the fact that I am afraid (even in my darkest times) that I will fuck up any attempt I might make and make myself worse off. Or even worse - make things suck for those I love.

Yeah. My head is not always such a good place to be.


***I know this stuff isn't logical. So why is it in my head????

Ok... a meme started by the Ferrett's wife 0 Zoethe.

Your task is to touch-type an entire LJ entry Blind. Close your eyes and type the entire entry. And dDon't go back and fix anything even when you open your eyes and see the mess you have made.


How did I do?

I had a craptacular day at work today.... so here's a meme.


You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone messages or comments you and asks. -- and believe me, the temptation to explain some of these will be overwhelming nothing is exactly as it seems.

Now, here's what you're supposed to do. . . Copy and paste this into your notes, delete my answers, type in your answers and tag as many of your friends as you'd like to.

------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

Kissed any one of your Facebook friends? Yes
Kissed someone you didn't like? Yep
Slept in until 5 PM? yes
Fallen asleep at work/school? yes
Held a snake? Yes
Ran a red light? Yes
Been suspended from school? Yes
Experienced love at first sight? Yes
Totaled your car in an accident? No
Fired somebody? no
Sang karaoke? No
Pointed a gun at someone? Yes
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? yes
Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? yes
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Yes
Kissed in the rain? Yes
Had a close brush with death? Yes
Played spin-the-bottle? Yes
Sang in the shower? Yes
Smoked a cigar? No
Sat on a rooftop? yes
Smuggled something into another country? No
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes? Yes
Broken a bone? no
Skipped school? Yes
Eaten a bug? no
Sleepwalked? No
Walked a moonlit beach? Yes
Rode a motorcycle? No
Dumped someone? Yes
Forgotten your anniversary? No
Lied to avoid a ticket? Yes
Ridden in a helicopter? no
Shaved your head? no
Played a prank on someone? Yes
Hit a home run? no
Cross-dressed? Yes
Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry? Yes
Eaten snake? no
Marched/Protested? no
Had Mexican jumping beans for pets? No
Puked on amusement ride? no
Seriously & intentionally boycotted something? yes
Been in a band? no
Knitted? No
Been on TV? No
Shot a gun? Yes
Skinny-dipped? Yes
Gave someone stitches? no
Eaten a whole habenero pepper? no
Ridden a surfboard? No
Drank straight from a liquor bottle? Yes
Had surgery? Yes
Streaked? Yes
Taken by ambulance to hospital? no
Tripped on mushrooms? no
Passed out when not drinking? no
Peed on a bush? Yes
Donated Blood? Yes
Grabbed electric fence? Yes
Eaten alligator meat? Yes
Eaten cheesecake? Yes
Killed an animal when not hunting? No
Peed your pants in public? No
Snuck into a movie without paying? Yes
Written graffiti? Yes
Still love someone you shouldn't? No
Think about the future? Yes
Been in handcuffs? Yes
Believe in love? yes

Ok. I posted this in my facebook.... I thought I'd do it here too.

( behind a cut, cause I'm cool like that )

yay!
Now all of you do it too!

I just wanted to post this here - it was posted in a community I am a member of.
A very human look at things.

Click the link.

http://www.nationalpost.com/scripts/story.html?id=283931

I had a much better day today.

Actually, the better day started yesterday. Work was ok - hell, it was work - what can you say, right? The usual people kept me amused. We laughed while we worked (quietly, of course - we can't actually *have fun*).

I chatted with Jamie some on the way home and just did my best to not let my brain get "idle and lonely" - which sometimes happens on my way home. I got to listen to XMs "The boneyard" for probably the last time in a while - we had to shut off XM.

When I got home, I threw some things in my overnight bag, got some hugs and kisses from Jamie, and headed out to SC for the night. Shawn's days off are a little messed up right now - he is off on Thursday and Friday nights. I am of Saturday and Sunday.

yes - this causes a problem.

I drove up to Shawn's and we went out for a quick bite to eat and got to spend some time together.

This morning, I went with him and Sue to drop off his truck at their mechanic's place (truck is acting up and they *need* 2 vehicles!)
We all did some shopping (ok, I looked - THEY did some actual shopping) then we headed out for some lunch.

Queue a nice relaxing afternoon. :)
Ahh... naps are good.

Woke up... met Jamie in Anderson for dinner (it was 8:30 by the time we got there), then we headed home.

Now I am almost wrapped up with my LJ and my Facebook. (I don't like to miss stuff! I have to catch up with my Flist).

I think I'll head to bed.

See? Nice and mundane.... and no real thoughts of doom and despair. Why can't everyday be like today?

Why is it that I hate crowds - but I hate being alone. And how can I feel lonely in a crowd of people?

At work, I am not lonely, but I am quite busy - so I suppose that keeps my mind occupied. When I leave work, I have over a half hour of letting my mind wander - which is not really a good thing.

When my mind wanders, it doesn't go to good places. It tends to hang around in the neighborhood full of the 3Ds - death, destruction, and despair.

Whose death? Sometimes mine. Sometimes someone I love.
What destruction? Anything that might be hurtful to me or to those I love.
What despair? My own.



Depression sucks.

Yesterday, I must have had a touch of stoooopid. No, it wasn't a touch - it was a whole slap.

Anyway, I have to start by saying I *never* lock my keys in my car. EVER.

During lunchtime at work, I was out in my car with the windows open, listening to music. I turned the music down and talked a bit to the person in the car next to me (my co-worker who was doing the same thing - he has the same shift I do).

We both decided to head inside and talked about the fact that it looked like it might rain later, but he was going to leave one of his windows open anyway. I said I wasn't going to do that - my luck, it would rain all afternoon and my car would be drenched.

So, I gather up my purse and the trash from my lunch - lock the door - and head inside. After sitting in the break room for a while, I looked down and realized I didn't have my keys.

Crap.

I went outside with my phone and my door badge, walked to my car, looked in the driver's side window and lo and behold - there are my keys dangling from the ignition switch.

Shit.

I look through the window to the passenger side - yup - that side was locked too.

I walked away from the car while calling Jamie on my cell. I said, "Sweetie, I just did something I've *never* done."

He asked, "Who is she?" {hahaha}

"I locked my keys in my car. I'm at work."

Sweetie that he is, he said he'd be there in a while to unlock my car. We live 32 miles from where I work.

All is well.
I got a text from him that said...

I'm out here by your car... and it's somewhat of a mystery why I'm here.
Indeed, your keys are in the ignition and both doors are locked. But since the passenger window is down...

Here's a fun one stolen from just about everyone on my flist at this point.
Yeah. I'm late to the party. Sue me.

;)

Your result for The Social Persona Test (What kind of man/woman are you?)...

The Renaissance Faire Wench (QLAF)

Quirky Liberal Alpha Female

Take The Social Persona Test (What kind of man/woman are you?) at HelloQuizzy

Hey - I know these folks!

Gallery | Kennesaw sceening for Star Trek fans | accessatlanta.com

Posted using ShareThis

yeah yeah - what a surprise.

Ganked from nounsandverbs


( behind a cut in case you want to (break my heart) skip it (kidding) )

Ok Flist!
Your Turn!

(Yes, I love question memes)


Deb

We should all strive to be this vibrant - at any age!

(totally safe for work)





deb

Yeah, I know... I've been absent again. I have been posting little one-liners over at my facebook though.

I tend to drop out of site when I get stressed about things.

Ok - when I get stressed about money things.

And that is what has happened (again).

( behind a cut - 'cause I like LJ cuts )

( Oh - and Jamie's car bit the dust yesterday )

There you have the recent stuff.

What's been up with you??

deb

Here is a thought provoking video.
It's about 5 minutes long - and is of one woman speaking.
Hear her out.


(I originally watched this on google vids - but decided to embed the youtube version because that is what I am used to doing here)

Ok - I admit I ganked this off my Facebook. :)
And I'm not tagging anyone here - I just want you to do it anyway!

:P


( behind a cut because I lurve you )


Ok folks - now it's your turn!

Get your own valentinr

This is silly and funny - and safe for work (if you are allowed to *laugh* at work. And ninjy-chop).










All day yesterday we were laughing about this at work.
"judee-chop!"

Now - I go wash my hair and get ready for work.

deb