Why do I bother?

I don't even remember how to dream, how to have a goal, how to have hope.

I started looking into going to college. Online. Community. Whatever.

The more I looked, the more I realized how stuck I am.

Sure, there's financial aid - but who pays the mortgage, the power, puts gas in the car, puts food on the table.

So, I'm stuck.
I'll continue to be a drone, working in a job where we are treated like machines.
Bathroom breaks are timed and questioned.
We have company provided sick time, but we are penalized if we use it.
We have company provided vacation time - but there's no "time available" to take off.

Shit, I can't even go to my 25th class reunion in JUNE. I knew about the date over a month ago, but there is no time to take to even get a long weekend.


A Little OT

Yay! I'm actually getting 5 hours of OT this week.
Yes, this is good news. As usual, I'm BROKE. There has been so little overtime offered this year, I take any little bit offered.
Thing is, not everyone gets offered OT. Your numbers have to be good. You have to be willing & able to do it. Your attendance has to be good.
I usually meet those criteria, and I'm quite capable of doing my job without supervisor handholding.

Some people cannot.

Often, those that cannot, whinge about "never getting chosen" or how they "must not be the special ones".

I get so tired of dealing with that whiny assed bullshit. Generally, we make our own opportunities. If I went to work with a shitty, blame everyone attitude (and didn't bust my ass) I wouldn't get the chances I get.
Simple as that.

Attitude does make a difference.


Year-end Meme - ganked from nounsandverbs

1. What did you do in 2012 that you'd never done before?
Join a gym - and like it. Actually I was going 4-6 times per week - but I seem to have some lingering health crap making me too tired to do anything. Now I'm down to 3 times per week.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't do "new year's resolutions".

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

4. Did anyone close to you die?
In 2012, no. I (reportedly) came close to it in late January. FIL was quite sick a couple of weeks ago (4 days in the hospital) but no deaths this year.

5. What countries did you visit?
Only the U.S. this year.

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?
Less screaming in my head. Also, more money.

7. What dates from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I'm so rotten with dates I have a hard time remembering what happened this year as opposed to some other year let alone specific dates.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting to the gym, bringing my diet under control, and losing 30-plus pounds. ++ keeping this answer.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I can't keep my finances straight.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Yes. I had my gallbladder out in January (that was easy). Then a couple of weeks later, I developed an insane infectious lump. Had to have it cut out. Twice. Spent 7 days in the hospital and 4 weeks with a wound-vac to heal it. It was the size of a baseball. The incision to get it out was 14cm long, 4cm wide and over 4cm deep.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Probably my gym membership.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
My hubby, wahmuk and my other hubby (if it were legal) mech11h
Both were exemplary in taking care of me. :)

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
The company I work for. They "eliminated positions" throughout the company - mostly of folks who had been there for 40 years +, but too young to retire. One was my sups boss - who many didn't get along with (sometimes including me) but who was awesome at her job.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills, groceries, gas.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
I don't remember.

16. What song will always remind you of 2012?
"Call me Maybe" - because it was on constant fucking rotation at the gym.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Probably sadder. Depression is kicking my ass more and more.
b) thinner or fatter? Thinner - but still working on it.
c) richer or poorer? Poorer. Inflation.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Worked overtime - last year I had over 500 hours of OT - this year only about 35 hours (total).

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Err... being sick? Staying in hospitals sucks.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I'll be working. I volunteer since I don't celebrate (so that someone who does celebrate can stay home). We staff a very small crew.

22. Did you fall in love in 2012?
I'm constantly falling deeper in love with my sweeties.

23. How many one-night stands?
None. Not much playing this year.

24. What was your favourite TV program?
Right now? Probably The Big Bang Theory. Or Castle.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
It takes too much energy to hate.

26. What was the best book you read?
I didn't read much - perhaps "God, No!" by Penn Jillette

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I've not been listening to much music. The noise in my head has been so loud - music doesn't quiet it.

28. What did you want and get?
A haircut.

29. What did you want and not get?
A Powerball/Megaball/Huge fucking lottery win.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Hmmm... Looking forward to Le Mis.
I enjoyed part 2 of Atlas Shrugged.

My recent favorite is Expendables 2. (don't judge me).

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 42. I don't remember what I did now. Maybe someone will remind me.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Earning enough money to keep up with my bills.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?
Err... Dig through my closet for smaller clothes.

34. What kept you sane?
My hubby, wahmuk and my other hubby (if it were legal) mech11h and my kitties.
And my meds.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
My brain isn't working well this evening. I had to ask my hubby. He says, "Nathan Fillion". I can't really deny that. He absolutely cracks me up.
Oh, and Michael Symon (chef).

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Most of them, but I'm a Libertarian. I would really love to see Gary Johnson as president.
Libertarian = Fiscally conservative, socially accepting.

37. Who did you miss?
My hubby when I wasn't near him. My "other" hubby when I wasn't near him.
I'm always missing someone when I can't see them both at the same time.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Met, in person?
Tough. Probably my Zumba, Yoga instructor at the gym. She's really fun and inspiring.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012:
All of life is a valuable lesson.
Appreciate everything.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

And if I close my mind in fear
Please pry it open

And if my face becomes sincere

And when I start to come undone
Stitch me together

And when you see me strut
Remind me of what left this outlaw torn

One of my favorite Metallica songs - Outlaw Torn.

Wow... It's been EONS

It's been more than a year since I've posted (and almost as long since I've even logged in).

Yeah, I suck.

I even let my paid subscription lapse.

Lots has happened since then.
Maybe I'll log off Twitter & FB long enough to type more than 140 characters about it.


Yet another WTF from a Pro-Liar group...

The hubby pointed this one out to me - I think he just wanted to see the veins pop out of my neck.

Pro-Life Group Sues To Stop University Hospital From Teaching "Abortion" (Actually, D & C)

Linky: This text is linky because the link is long

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Unfortunately, there are jackasses that agree with what they are trying to do.

The stoopid... it buuuurrnnnss....

Attempting a Hobby!

That's right - I am attempting a hobby.
A crafty hobby at that!

One of my great real life friends does a lot of jewelry making with beads. I LOVE looking at the pretties - even the beads alone are pretty.
So I started accumulating some beads. Not big cool statement beads - but small, dainty glass beads. You wouldn't believe the low prices of seed and other small beads on eBay.


Here are my first few attempts at some jewelry.

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{tap tap} is this thing on?

Yeah, yeah. I know. It's been {insert long-ass time} since I've posted anything.


Since I don't feel like delving into the past {insert long-ass time} that I've been AWOL, How about the past week?

I've been sick.
Work-missing sick.

Not normal sick.

Nothing that looks like being sick.

No yarf.
No snot.
No coughing.

Just a headache. And a fever.

Oh, not any headache. It started off as "just a headache, gimme some Motrin".
Nothing helped.
Not sleeping, eating, starving, Motrin, Tylenol, cold compresses, warm kitties - *nothing*.
And it got worse.

It felt like there were creatures with steel-toed boots inside my head beating their way out while really strong invisible people with sledgehammers were trying to beat their way in.

My pain level was at a 9. Literally.

And, I had a wild-assed fluctuating fever.
It jumped around from 99.9 to 103.7 and everything in between.

The headache started as a mild headache on Saturday. It began finding its legs on Sunday. It was a full blown debilitating nightmare on Monday.

I called out of work.

Hubby tried taking me to my doctor (he wasn't there - they recommended the other office, which was full until after 4pm).
He then just took me to the ER.

I was in so much pain, the trip was kind of a blur for me.

They poked and prodded, took blood, checked readings, gave me a CT scan and scratched their heads a lot.

My blood pressure was fine. My blood work all came out ok. No nausea. No congestion. No nasal symptoms. Nothing irregular on the CT.

No outward reason for the headache or fever.

I got a shot in the ass (some mild pain reliever) and a couple of Tylenol.
My fever broke enough they were convinced I wasn't going to spontaneously combust or send gray matter splattering all over the walls.
They called it a virus and said to follow up with my doctor.

I slept and showered a lot all day Tuesday. Still had the headache and fevers.

Wednesday Jamie took me to see my doctor.

He reviewed all of the info from the ER, poked, prodded, and tested some more - but couldn't find any reason for the headache and fevers except for a virus (that seemed to be moving along by this time).

Doc realized I was still in pain and could use some relief - so he gave me a shot of Demerol.

I still had the headache, I just didn't care! Unfortunately, that feeling only lasted for a couple of hours.

I started feeling better yesterday (Thursday). Actually, yesterday was the first day since all of this started that I had even gotten on my computer. Yeah, I felt like that much shit.

I went to work today, and put in 10 hours. I actually started feeling better as the day went along - I still have a bit of a headache but DAMN I feel better!!

Hopefully I can get some shit done around the house this weekend and just generally enjoy my head not exploding. :)

I've been puttering on eBay. Here's my page.

Check my listings. Share the love. Think non-exploding thoughts for my brain. ;)